whoever finds this, help. please i need someone out there. i'm desperate, as you might can tell, broadcasting this across a public website. i've tried so much, yet nothing works.

so here goes. i'm bulimic. it started off as a form of anorexia, then spiraled out of control to bulimia when i couldn't stop myself from eating. eating only made me feel guilty though. i can't even drink a fruit punch without thinking guiltily of the calories.

my mum started this. indirectly, of course. not on purpose. i love her and i can see clearly that i take her seriously. what she says, i'll believe. my father has even started in now. just not twenty minutes ago. it began earlier this year, june or so, when my mother told me i should definitely start watching my weight. i had noticed this: gaining ten pounds in slightly less than a year i felt sure was not healthy. so i began to watch what i ate. kept a calorie count.

that went on for a few months. then august comes. i was not losing any weight, so i extreme calorie watched. only enough to get by, 500-1000 a day, maximum. yet, i was still trying to make myself regurgitate. i felt as if the calorie counting did nothing. i never succeeded in those first few months. then comes october. my boyfriend and i were talking, and he asks if i had an official diagnosis for an eating disorder, that his mother had asked. i was astonished that his mother knew about my eating habits and said no, but we still tried to find out who had told her that i ate oddly. she would not disclose this vital information though. we gave up and i went off to eat with my family.

coming back was not a joyful experience. for the first time, i was actually successful on forcing myself to rid my stomach of food. it was. . .rewarding, considering i now had complete control over my body. it was not rewarding, however, talking to him again later that night and disclosing that such information as now having an actual eating disorder.

control morphed into the true reason as to why i didn't keep food down anymore. i hated not having control in my life, and this was something it turns out i could, and did, have control over. it also started making me feel slightly better about myself. but not enough. i could no longer keep down anything without feeling guilty. keeping food down started to hurt. i couldn't breathe right. my stomach cramped so badly i was unable to concentrate in school if i had kept a meal down.

i need help. i know this. no counseling, no telling of the parents, i need advice. and no, salad doesn't work either.